In which the author of this blog indulges in an freewheeling rant over a fairly trivial irritation:

Clouds!!!! Gotta get those clouds, man! They are SO DOOMED.

I KNEW IT!!!! I knew that something would interfere!

All I wanted was to see the MOON! Is there something WRONG with that?

I mean, how often do I get to see the gorgeous beautiful full moon, and during a partial eclipse too!

I had it all built up. No detachment for me. I had EXPECTATIONS. And I got Ben all excited about it too.

We all went out to see “Journey to the Center of the Earth” in 3D and it was fun. Then we went to the little airport near here and watched planes take off and ate calamari and chicken fingers and all that kind of thing. And we didn’t even mind when it started to rain, because it was muggy and the water was refreshing at first. We did eventually have to come inside… Of course, when the under-trained manager wanted to tell us where we could and couldn’t sit (the place was half-empty) I had to explain that our waiter was a bright boy and I had every confidence in the world that he could find us again. She actually persisted! So we all just sat down and I had to say in a sweet – really! – but firm tone, “we’re sitting right here.” But things were still good. They WERE.

As we drove home, I observed that the heat was steaming the recent rain right up into the air. Ben and I laughed about driving through a baby cloud. And then the sweet little bits of wispy evaporation had the NERVE to turn into cloud cover and deprive me of my moon tonight!

John crashed early, but Ben and I were determined to see that moon. Oh, we walked. Finally, we even drove. We climbed up to “top field” at his school, we went over to the grocery store area, where there were no trees. Not ONE BIT OF HINT OF THE MOON IN ANY DIRECTION!

We drove all around and I finally had to give up. We came back. Ben was mopey from the hopeless search. Where is the MOON? Where IS it?

I looked up moonrise, moonset, the direction.

Yes! Just as I thought. From our back deck, straight back into the horrible horrible woods full of huge menacing oak trees. Those trees, dropping huge limbs every time there’s a breeze, covered with purple meat-like fungus clusters, and all kinds of other unidentifiable sporey creatures.. Those TREES – always threatening to fall down and kill us, leaning toward the house with their rotten cavities gaping…. oh, they don’t like me. And I don’t like them right back. No wonder my boys can’t breathe right.

The trees often block my view of the moon, but once in a while they filter the moonlight in a charming blue-silver pattern so I try to forgive them. But it doesn’t matter WHAT I do, does it?!?! Nothing is ever good enough! I try and I try and it’s never enough to matter for anything! If I’m so damn smart why can’t I EVER EVER EVER…..

Those CLOUDS!!!!! They aren’t even pretty clouds. No individual formations are visible… it’s just a high diffuse COVER dense enough that all you can see is the pink-orange reflection of the city lights. Not a star. Not a moonbeam, not even a GLOW. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

Ahhhh….. why is it that the universe conspires against me like this? Once in a while, can’t you choose somebody else??? I just want to be invisible. I don’t ask for much. Once in a while, can’t you be a little more F’ing BENEVOLENT? What do you WANT from me anyway? Don’t you have some peers for your reindeer games?

Bam! Bam! BAM-BAMMMM!

Blasted clouds. Stupid city where you can’t see any stars. Ridiculous pink-orange night sky. I hate it.

I hate it all. I hate this city. I hate this place. And it’s all the clouds’ fault.

WHY DID I EVER COME TO THIS PLACE?

ATLANTA? WAS I OUT OF MY MIND?

I thought I’d be here for a couple-few years, get my Ph.D., get a job at Berkeley maybe or in New England, and LEAVE. I never intended to put myself in this position forever.

And then it took forever. really. forever.

And my advisor… and then I … and I met… and I couldn’t even.. and it…. and it was suddenly too late… everything was too late… AND THESE CLOUDS ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF!

ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I can deal with people hating me for being an educated white female liberal from Massachusetts (or Massa-TWOSHITS), I can deal with every insincere “bless your heart,” and every attempt to indoctrinate my son, I can even forgive idiotic and self-righteous conformity to profoundly destructive viewpoints, but really, NOW I CAN’T EVEN SEE A FULL MOON WHEN I WANT TO?

The CLOUDS ARE OUT TO GET ME! IT’s NOT FAIR!!!!!!!! And I’m SICK of IT. Sick of it. Sick of it. And I don’t CARE that I’m being unreasonable!

I’m sick of being forgiving. I’m sick of being an adult. I want to have a gigantic tantrum, and shake the earth! Thunder! Lightning! Wind! I want to SHAKE things and scream “What is WRONG with you?” And then, “JUST DO WHAT I SAY! DON’T THINK, JUST DO IT!” ARGGGGGGG!

EVERYTHING! I Fu…

Deep breath.

Loop it. Reality check – completely missing of course, but in kind of a cute way. Liking the clouds anger. Good scapegoat target for pent-up frustration. Kind of a Peanuts “curse the darkness” thing going.

I’m gonna SMACK those clouds, man. SMACK! Right in the face. SMACK. Hee hee.

Whew. That felt great.

Gotta let it out every once in a while. I think the clouds can take it. They’re stronger than they’re given credit for.

But those clouds – and water in general – owe me one.

Let’s review, class: I can’t even get up a full rant. It didn’t even generalize completely. Still, I think we’ve covered Projection, Paranoia, Anthropomorphism, Infantile Regression, Displacement, Scapegoating, Power – Command/Control, Catharsis, Humor, Cultural Intertextuality and therefore Intellectualization, ending with light touching of Magical Thinking. Oh, right, and Self-Pity, Self-Centeredness – an overall Temper Tantrum.

Because I was denied an archetypal experience of cool serenity, the antidote to my lonely bit of nothingless in the cosmos… and yet, I am detached from it, too.

Actually, things have gotten a lot better in the last year or so. Most of this anger is just old echoing stuff that I’m actually done with now. Atlanta’s not so bad, and it’s not as if I ever really belong anywhere anyway.

I do feel better. I just hate being disappointed.

If I can’t soak up the cool moon, a homeopathic dose of fire will suffice.