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Thinking Through Hans-Georg Gadamer’s Truth and Method

Thinking Through Hans-Georg Gadamer’s Truth and Method

Found essay from 1988, when I was immersed in the academic study of religion. This was not the only tool in the toolbox, of course, but it’s funny for me to see the way I thought about things from that perspective. It was during my first year of graduate school, and I always tried to find something of value in everything I read, always tried to rescue something from a text even if I disagreed with many of its points. I was struggling to situate my thoughts in a context that was still very strange to me. There are a couple of good bits but it’s hilarious how ungrounded this really was, and how I floundered with the idea of understanding itself. It’s also interesting the way I sidestepped the issues of gender, race, class, and even geography. Still, there’s something from that time that does live on in me. I was perhaps kinder then, and more curious.

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Scientific methodology in the human sciences, including the study of religion, is shaped by a scientific ideal that excludes the observer from that which is observed. The use of objective methodological tools to analyze and control key texts places the interpreter above the realm of the examined. The participatory aspect of humanity and tradition is often not taken into account, and so a dead representation of the original meaning, wrenched from its rightful place, is transmitted in a rehashed form inappropriate to the experience of the time. Gadamer, in Truth and Method, outlines an ontological shift which seeks the reintegration of “belongingness” as a way to vitalize and reunify the truth obscured by the alienating “distanciation” of method.

“Effective-historical consciousness” allows us to recognize our present reality as part of a tradition that cannot be done away with. We cannot wish it away (although we may sometimes ignore it and assume an ivory-tower stance). We stand in a context in which we pose questions of a text that may have contributed to the context in which we are standing to ask the question. The sphere of understanding shown within texts from the past (or even of a different and contemporary community) has a different “horizon” from the one in which we are asking questions. Likewise, professors in an academic context provide the shape (to some extent) of the horizons of students and other colleagues. The interpreter, through a creative and responsible interpretation of texts, opens new horizons yet becomes part of a particular tradition.

A historical and reflexive consciousness is particularly appropriate for scholars who study religious and philosophical works, which have shaped the academic world in which we find ourselves. Individually, we play with academic traditions and we are played by them, but we must also find common ground to discuss the “something” called religion if we are to consider ourselves as composing a distinct discipline within a pluralistic society. An examination along the lines of methods and theories in the study of religion is one way to explore the ways discussion is currently proceeding.

In the study of religion, we consider important cultural texts, language captured by signs called words, wholly abstracted from a particular place and time and let loose on the world. If the text speaks in such a way as to expand the current horizons of the individual reader, it also speaks dialectically to and through the interpreter in the form of a dialogue of question and answer. The text may become (or may already be) part of a human tradition, and it may shape the questions and answers of the future in ways that were never intended by the author. Hermeneutics seeks to retain the unity of the original meaning while letting the text speak to the current constellations of meaning. The text has the possibility of becoming a hermeneutic event at any time, and–if it is published–for anyone who cares to read it. In addition, the text may have the power to shape the world view of a community.

Gadamer is often perceived as a conservative because his emphasis seems to assume the rightful authority of a present tradition. He is, after all, playing with and being played by his own context, which may be a privileged one. If the tradition of which Gadamer speaks must necessarily be limited to being for and about only a small portion of the human population (as critical theory would have it), then it is possible to see flaws in his philosophical-hermeneutical thought. However, if one applies Gadamer’s insights to Gadamer’s own work, it is possible to argue that his emphasis on a certain type of Western tradition (in which he lives, and must speak from) is not fundamental to his understanding of being and knowing. Rather, his hermeneutic approach is part of its own historical dialogue and opens the doors to a better understanding of our present consciousness.

In questioning institutional authority, one takes a stance against a certain type of prejudice as it is expressed by power, but to do so necessarily expresses another in relation to the opposed viewpoint. Gadamer may be a bit idealistic in presenting dialogue as a universal possibility–as though all sides would sit down amicably, discuss political ideology, agree on a plan of action, and peacefully change the world. However, one cannot criticize effectively without coming to a dialogic understanding of the claims being presented. To put this another way, you have to grok it somehow to be able to translate it at all into another context, even if it’s to critique the claim.

Without the language of experience expressed in the claims of the oppressed, critical theory could not exist. The interpreter of culture permits the subject matter to have its way, without losing a sense of hermeneutic validity. The claim of the text or artwork must be allowed to score its own points, and the interpreter tries to become as conscious as possible about how their own pre-understandings may be obscuring or cloaking their interpretation. Pulling in every kind of approach you can – existential, poetic, etymological, sociological – within and outside the text brings better questions to ask. Empathetic common ground, then interrogation. Gadamer does not go so far. He does reinscribe, so that his welcome is slightly cyborgian.

It is impossible to avoid the historical context; history and understanding proceed onwards and around–together. Gadamer’s reflective moment is in a continual dance with the historical one. Creativity and imagination are born of language that has its home in a particular place. Although Gadamer phenomenologically links authority, prejudice, and tradition, his elucidation of the interaction of these terms attempts to rehabilitate these terms from their negative connotations. Each individual voice–in becoming itself–decides what “authority” means before, through, and as one speaks in language in which we “articulate the experience of the world in so far as we are in agreement.”

The dismantling of barriers to understanding can be accomplished only through language based on hermeneutical experience. Social criticism and more importantly, cultural understanding, would only be supported by full and complete interpretations of key texts through an open (but careful) dialogue with them. Hermeneutic approaches encourage bridges of understanding in our pluralistic society by encouraging the voice of the alien, the voice of a stranger in our strange land, to become in some sense “at home.”

Situating human consciousness is a continuous dialogue that rests on an event of understanding that places the experience and the interpreter/participant within an interstructural world of language. The hermeneutical event is as much an ordeal as a subject for study. Religious thinkers and writers and artists deal with precisely these issues. The interpreter of art, culture, psychology, and religion must seek the self in the alien and become at home there, partaking of another worldview, which in turn informs a changed self, one that has reshaped its presuppositions, in order to begin to translate those claims into the continuing dialogue outside the self. This is the hermeneutical circle. Without a dialogue (language) based on both methodological approaches and grounds and subjects for discussion, no community of scholars could exist.

Careful attention to language is a way to create a keen understanding of this community. Whether it is specialized branch of academic study, or a global community, the group or individual projects possibilities for itself and reshapes its own presuppositions continually. For instance, memory as an idea has an history of its own. The concepts of remembering, forgetting, and recalling were formed in and into traditions of common use, they were not created in a cultural vacuum. Ideas, as expressed in words such as memory, fact, truth, God, and religion have histories which cannot be ignored if the words are to be employed. In addition to the history of ideas, the individual or group who “remembers” has to learn what it means to do so at roughly the same time as he/she/they are actually remembering. If the academic study of religion–in using memory as a tool, supposing facts to be self-evident, asserting truths, and describing previous and current ideas of humanity and God–forget the subject matter at hand in the manipulation of information, then the sometimes-present spirit of technocratic professionalism has played it pretty roughly. Without a sense of the history of ideas as well as the consciousness of historical dialogue, each scholar’s work can only become disconnected and airy, narcissistic and atemporal, leaving out too much of the lived experience and realities that can’t bow down to universal claims.

It is because scholars of religion must themselves wrestle with the “big” questions, (i.e., what it means to be human, how meaning and ultimate concerns are constructed and why) that they can be at all qualified to examine how others did and do so. Imagination and good scholarship, like a good poem, suppose a common ground, that of language as experience. When the history of the reception of ideas and their effects begins to obscure the claim of the idea, it is the scholar’s job to reconstruct what went wrong and present a new interpretation with the integrity appropriate to serious discussion.

The finitude of understanding is never overcome, but students of religion can re-perform or re-tell insights to give them better light. It is an art to learn to take a claim seriously and to restructure your presuppositions based on a recognition of the truth of that claim. It is not an art that is commonly taught, but it is an art indispensable to the study of religion. The opposition inherent in an exploration of the alien, especially as regards the normative claims made in religious texts, requires a way to create bonds that become productive and constructive of new meaning that better “speaks” to an audience that can be very culturally removed from an original text. Hermeneutic understanding does not stipulate the end of imaginative endeavors in the interest of consensus. Rather, it is a way to bring some measure of consensus of meaning into scholarship, despite its ever-incompleteness.

References:

Hans-Georg Gadamer, Truth and Method
Paul Ricoeur, Hermeneutics and the Social Sciences

Hello AT&T – Structural Silo Problem on Your Billing Systems

Hello AT&T – Structural Silo Problem on Your Billing Systems

For the second time in two months, I’ve had to spend time with an AT&T customer service representative. It’s still not sorted out. You have structural issues. This time, I did it all in text. Observe, exhibit A (slightly altered for privacy):

Thank you for choosing AT&T. A representative will be with you shortly.
You are now chatting with S.
S: Hello my name is S. Thank you for allowing me to be your specialist today. How may I assist you?
Heidi: Hey – I had a long conversation with a rep last month on the overcharges – it was supposed to have been adjusted to $200-something, but you guys auto-charged me 426.10.
S: I apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced.
S: I apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced regarding billing concern. You have reached the right person. I can help you with that!
S: Please allow me a moment, while I access your account.
Heidi: Was my conversation documented? It took a while to straighten out,.
S: I will check your notes.
Heidi: I’m supposed to be charged something like 240 a month. The current bill looks over as well, but I can’t believe after all that there was an autopay of $426 last month.
S: I am checking it.
Heidi: ok
S: Please allow me a moment, while I access your account.
S: Heidi, as I can see that your U-verse bill is correct. That is $64 plus taxes.
Heidi: Previous Balance $493.78Payment – 08/10 $426.10CRAdjustments $67.68CRBalance $0.00New Charges $285.92Amount to be Debited $285.92
Heidi: 426.10 – charged last month
Heidi: 285.92 charged this month
S: Heide, regarding the adjustment, I can help you to reach our wireless department.
S: Your inquiry requires contact with a specialist who handles billing and payment requests for wireless accounts. I apologize that I do not have access to your records to assist you in my office. Allow me a moment to connect you to a representative who will be able to assist you. In that event that you may be disconnected, please contact a representative at 1-800-xxxxxxxx or visit the wireless website at: http://www.att.com/wireless
Heidi: I am on a share plan – why is one phone costing a lot more than the other two?
Please wait while I transfer you to an operator at AT&T Wireless Customer Care.
Welcome! You are now chatting with ‘V’.
Heidi: Wow, ok. So can you read the transcript so far?
V: Heeeeey there Heidi , good evening! I will be happy to take a look at this .
V: I am going to take up the notes
Heidi: I went through this last month, and was quoted a figure of 200 something after adjustment, but my account went autopay for over 400 – and this month, it’s 285, with one phone being charged a lot more than the other two. I do not have international, and although there is no charge here, it’s on there twice for some reason. Lots of problems here and I am quite unhappy.
Heidi: I have had other things now tied up because this money was taken, despite my being told it would not.
V: I apologize for the inconvenience .
V: Let me pull up your account so we can get this taken care of.
Heidi: Last month they said it was because the changes to my account were on some kind of cusp date and it messed everything up. I thought that my time spent last month on this was going to be my last major issue.
V: Can you provide me your 10 digit phone number?
Heidi: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Heidi: I have a share plan – two other lines belong to my husband and son.
V: Thank you
Heidi: For some reason, mine is more expensive
V: Hey Heidi lets try to get one thing handled at a time I can assure you we will get this handled today.
Heidi: ok. I’ll give you a chance to read and examine for yourself then. 🙂
V: Thank you
V: I am in now reviewing the bill
Heidi: Look at this month, and last month.
V: Already ahead of you
Heidi: ok
V: Let me break down some things
V: One line can be any line really has to be charged for the plan plus the price of the phone . In your case it was your husband who was charged for the plan and his line and you were only charged for the price of the line.
Heidi: No – I am charged for everything.
V: Okay so your husband is the one who is charged for the line correct?
Heidi: And it’s my phone line that is more expensive, not his.
Heidi: No – I pay the bill. No one else pays the bill. We recently created a new number, along with one for my son, to take advantage of the 99 cent phones and the share plan.
Heidi: I have always been a customer.
Heidi: My husband switched companies to you.
V: Okay Heidi just a moment
Heidi: He shouldn’t be charged anything at all.
Heidi: One bill, three lines
Heidi: I pay
V: I understand completely
Heidi: It’s supposed to be about 230-240 a month total for the three lines and home wireless, provided that we do not go over the data plan, which we have not.
V: I definitely see that. I do see you are on the wrong plan as well
V: I see you can save about 20.00 by just switching to the 6gb plan.
Heidi: I am supposed to be on a share plan, allowing for 10gb
V: Correct
Heidi: The bill last month is wrong. At the end of my conservation, I was quoted a figure of 240 or so, then I was still charged 426.
Heidi: The woman I spoke to said she fixed everything. Clearly she did not. I gave her a good customer service survey too.
Heidi: Perhaps you have documentation of that conversation.
V: Heidi.
V: Please I am already looking at these notes please allow me a second to catch up lol I do understand how this could be a little frustrating . I am a customer too and promises are all you have as a customer
V: I can assure you I will get to the bottom of this for us today.
V: I am reading the notes now
V: I have reviewed your plan and your bill but I need you to bear with me.
Heidi: This is infuriating after having already spent time on this.
V: I need you to give me time out the kindness of your heart to get this handled for you
V: I understand completely!
V: I do see that you were credited from your wireless to your landline
V: I see that credit for 429.29
Heidi: 8/10 had a payment of 426.10
Heidi: That’s what I’m questioning first, since that was not the figure by a long shot.
Heidi: And given these continuing issues, I would like to cancel autopay.
V: No worries I can walk you through this
Heidi: I’ll need to vet the charges before the company takes the cash.
V: I understand
V: What page are you on ?
Heidi: pdf of this month’s bill for 285.92, showing a payment last month of 426.10
Heidi: and adjustment credit for only 67.68
V: Okay can you hover over Billing and usage at the top of the page?
Heidi: So I’m asking that the credit adjustment they said they already did by applied to my account. By my calculation, you owe me close to 200.
Heidi: And this month’s bill is also too high, just not by as much.
V: You were also credited 221.43 at 11:19 on 08/06
V: This was added to your landline as well.
Heidi: I don’t have a landline
V: You do have uverse correct?
Heidi: My landline was XXX-XXX-XXXX – it was cancelled a couple of months ago. My Uverse cable was also cancelled. I only have home wireless and three phones.
Heidi: cell phones
V: Okay yes combined bill correct?
Heidi: right
V: Quick question: Have you spoke to uverse yet?
Heidi: yes – they transferred me to you
Heidi: $51.00 Total U-verse Internet Charges$51.00 Total U-verse Charges $64.49
V: Okay they have nothing on file about these credits?
Heidi: No idea, they said they didn’t have access to my record.
V: I do see these credits I am not sure why they do not but I am getting my team on it right now
Heidi: may 14 – 390, june 14-124, july 14 494, aug 14 286
V: Okay just a moment
V: While my team takes a look at this would you like to cancel your auto pay?
Heidi: yes
V: Do you see My att in the orange bar up top?
Heidi: yes
V: Hover over that and then hover over Billing and Usage
Heidi: ok
V: Select Manage Autopay
Heidi: That is not an option
Heidi: Billing/Payments/Usage, none of which with that option,.
Heidi: Bill Details, Paperless Billing, Bill History, Bill Reports / Arrange Late Payment, Payment History / Usage since last bill, usage reports
V: Okay go ahead to the overview page
Heidi: Ok – I got it. Cancelled Sept 9 payment, discontinued autopay.
V: Awesome!!!
V: Woot woot!
Heidi: Now we just have to figure out what the correct amount is.
V: Already ahead of please allow them a few more moments . We are investigating now
Heidi: ok
V: Thank you
V: So we have came to the conclusion that you were conversing with uverse you need to be conversing with combined billing. Your combined bill has its on ban that is why no one can see your adjustments .
Heidi: Why wouldn’t my combined bill have been updated with the adjustments to my… um… bill?
Heidi: Otherwise, what is the point of the combined bill?
V: This is something that you need to speak with our specialist about.
V: I can provide you with the number or I can conference you in .
V: Which ever works.
Heidi: Conference me in please – we need everybody on the same page. This seems to be a service gap on your side.
Heidi: My job is business process improvement in high-tech… lol
V: Okay just a moment
Heidi: Am I going to have to go through this whole story again?
V: No you can give them a brief summary of what is going on basically saying I want to see where these credits are
Heidi: It seems like the person who did the credits last month ought to be on the line for accountability to fix it.
V: I wish it was that simple.
Heidi: If it was put onto a bill that never actually credited me and isn’t on my combined bill.
Heidi: In some kind of weird silo situation.
V: Okay just a moment while I get this handled .
Heidi: Then – why am I the one having to straighten out your process?
Heidi: For the second time in two months.
V: I am giving them a call now please hold a moment
Heidi: ok
V: Thank you
Heidi: I can take direction… I’m just going to give you all that valuable customer feedback. lol
Heidi: And recommend escalating this conversation to see where these gaps can be remediated, and to ensure visibility for better decision-making at a higher level.
Heidi: This isn’t the sort of thing that should be happening to loyal customers.
V: You are totally correct
Heidi: I give my permission for the text to be escalated and communicated up any management chain you like. 🙂
V: Thank you
V: 🙂
Heidi: Perhaps that could save hours on both sides.
Heidi: It’s really a cost-savings, efficiency measure as well as a customer satisfaction and loyalty issue. Might even affect NPS score.
Heidi: Some leader may wish to ride that wagon. One would hope so.
V: I understand
Heidi: I feel badly that you have to listen to this sort of thing and figure out how to fix it for the customer when the problem is clearly a structural one. You’re doing fine.
V: Thank you so much ! I am calling and making sure we get this handled but it seems that every department is closed right now >_< Heidi: of course! lol Heidi: And you get that most people can't call during regular business hours V: Of course it kind of but you know what I wont give up! Heidi: Thank you. V: No probs Heidi: We're just people. We just have to try to navigate as best we can given whatever constraints there are. V: You are so right! V: I do see that every department you can go to is closed 🙁 V: The best thing I can do is give you the number so you can give them a call tomorrow. V: Do you work during business hours? Heidi: Right. So... let me ask you this. Is there a way to continue the issue to tomorrow, saving the notes you have taken or whatever action is on your list so that I don't feel like this was a complete waste of my time? V: Definitley Heidi: Yes - I do. I could probably call on my lunch, but in my experience it takes longer than an hour. V: definitely V: I have already been writing these notes as we went Heidi: And whoever I'm to speak with tomorrow - will they have ACCESS to these notes? lol V: Correct Heidi: Well, thank goodness for small favors. Have you written a summary with a recommendation as a big headline at the top? Heidi: (laughing helplessly) V: Lol yes I actually did it in caps so they can see it Heidi: Too funny, but you know how that works V: Yes I sure do V: lol Heidi: Ok then, who is the proper person for me to call tomorrow, and what is the best thing to say to efficiently propel them into action? V: Just tell them to check out the notes. Here is the number XXX-XXX-XXXX Heidi: And they will know what I mean by "the notes" right? V: Yes Heidi: Ok, then. Thank you V for your efforts on my behalf. You do the company proud. V: Thank you so much ! V: Heidi, you have been a absolute pleasure to help today! On behalf of myself & your AT&T family we hope you have a amazing day. We are always here for you:) Heidi: I hope you have a great night - and thank you.

Maya Goodbyes

Maya Goodbyes

Our puppygirl Maya went into cardiac arrest on Wednesday (August 20, 2014) and even the excellent doctors at St. Francis were not able to save her. Evidently she had ingested enough of the skin cancer medication that her major organs failed. We had hoped that just the residual amount in the tube that she got into would limit the damage and give her a real chance at survival. She was young and strong.

The last time I visited with her, I got in real close and held her cool paw in my hand. She let out one of her sweet little sighs, and I’m hopeful that even under heavy sedation she might have known I was there. I can only hope that she felt comforted in some way.

We’ll have a small family remembering tomorrow after we get her ashes. We are in deep mourning.

Thank you for all the love and support during this nightmare. It has been humbling.

Now that her “forever home” takes on a different meaning, I’m remembering our first days with her. She was an extraordinary companion from the start, and we will miss her so very much.

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It

It

I am sick of it

There’s always it about which one is sick.

Does it even really matter what the content within it might be? It is morphing, moving, ever-changing, like the ubiquitous they.

There is only the acknowledgement of the crossing of the threshold, over into the complete sickness of it, and for a while, we simply quit. Systems shut down. Whatever you can identify as some aspect of yourself – all those endless bleeding heaps of body, mind, soul, consciousness, sense, interpretation, mood, preference, style – all of these fuse in a rare moment of union at the moment when you cross that boundary condition.

Everything, everything says “that’s enough.” We – I – Us – are one! SICK of IT.

Danger, danger! Bad things could happen here. Voices: Run! Snap! Attack! But the best among the limited choices is probably – down! SLEEP!

Sometime later, we recover enough, find that we have regained the ability to navigate around again, through and despite “it.” Wordlessly – without a sound or a thought – we slipped back under that threshold. Or maybe it just backed off to regroup, waiting for another weak, dark (hormonal?) moment.

It is an ever-mutating cluster. To be able to look at the current constellation without despair or anger or fear is difficult, sometimes impossible. This is why we have spiritual heroes – because we think maybe that they can, however flawed they might be otherwise.

You might be able to subtract feelings, but what is the method to transform or add? All these years – all these studies – make me spit in disgust when IT looms. Worth nothing. Meditation, empathy, dreamtime, ritual, positive thought, body position – deflectors, not solutions. Everything seems pointless, meaningless – even hostile, murderous.

  • Where is your it in the spectrum of the people you know, the people you’ve read, the people you’ve heard of?
  • Do you avoid knowing about it?
  • Is there any value in at least registering and recognizing it?

My it might look like small beans to one person, and as an insurmountable mountain of horror to someone else.

All that I can do anymore is either monitor the reality of the hovering it – or else lie, and perform a happy happy dance (but happiness is momentary, not like this recurring, slimy, creepy encroachment always already ready). I understand how people have projected demons. It almost has a presence of its own.

Although the emotional feeling is of something over and against me, it is mine. It can only be mine, the construct of all the current struggles, real or imagined, the ad nauseum repetitions of argument and ignorance and all the things that bring disgust and anger and hopelessness and depression and alienation and – there are too many words for this separation and conflict. Spare me any platitudes about control or self-determination, I beg of you.

  • I slice it with a flaming sword.
  • I blow fire and smoke at it from my dragon’s mouth.
  • I try to charm it, or absorb it.
  • I try to dismiss or ignore it.

How many methods can there be for continuing on despite it? I don’t have the talent or the spiritual maturity or the delusional stance that could accept it. All that really matters to me now is that I keep recovering from the sickness shutdown, that every time I cross the threshold into the infinite sickness of it, that I continue to choose shutdown, not flight or fight or self-destruction. Just isolate, nest, sleep, reboot.

IT will be better in the morning. IT will be better tomorrow. Bits of progress against IT, but then SLAM! backslide! Again, again, hope as a dream of an escaped Sisyphus. And then I look around and pray that there’s something better, in another dimension, up in space. And I understand why people cling to ideas of an afterlife.

IT is IT.

IT never becomes Thou, not ever.

IT will kill you if you turn your back. There is no “between” to construct.

Rolling around again

Rolling around again

As the years roll by a bit faster, it’s sometimes easy to miss changes. Whether they are changes in values, beliefs, habits, understandings, goals, or just almost unnoticeable drifts of daily life, the occasions for stopping to assess them just become fewer. No more big moves, no more graduations, no more births. You accommodate to the inevitable, and rise to unexpected challenges, and perhaps gain some insights if you’re curious and observant, but things seem to grey down a bit (to match the hair that now has to be artificially colored). Is there anything of particular note in the last year? At first, I didn’t think so, but then I started having thoughts.

A year ago, I was very frustrated and even sometimes angry about some interpersonal challenges. Those feelings have become much more infrequent, partly because I’ve learned how to disengage from attempted escalations about things that are really not very important. I’ve learned how to respond more neutrally when dealing with difficult people, and not to let someone else’s issues affect my whole day or even week.

The deeper understanding about boundaries of various kinds has greatly reduced my stress level, as well as putting me back on track with some of my talents and strengths. The way I was approaching my work day and the things that needed to be done just frankly took too much out of me (that’s improved too) without being angry and upset on top of it all. Last year, I felt like I was on the edge of some sort of major collapse. This year, I’m tired but I feel like I’m accomplishing much more during my work day, I don’t need to isolate myself so often or for so long, and what I think of as my recovery time has reduced somewhat.

I’ve been revisiting the topic of boundaries and friendships for a few years now, but there have been some positive shifts this year.

I’ve tended to be a fiercely loyal friend, but at the same time I’ve had a kind of economy of friendship in which things were very (almost mechanically) reciprocal. If I was being treated well, I would treat the other well. If objectionable behavior was expressed in my direction, I would hit back at just that level, plus one. Usually this took the form of a verbal response. What was really happening? I was hurt, because I considered myself a good and loyal friend, but I wouldn’t admit that hurt, so it turned into a defensive attack. Then, because I had some frustration and anger hanging around anyway, I took it as an opportunity to respond in just that way because… because… because I can. I’m good at it. Words rarely fail me, and I can rip back pretty effectively. Almost effortlessly, I point out flaws and unfairnesses and points of contention, at a pace (and with a passion) that be overwhelming to others. The behavior of the other person ended up not just triggering my defenses but also gave me an excuse to shine, to myself, just because the things I do best don’t really seem to be called for in most of my environments very often. So in addition to forgetting that this was a friend, and not an enemy, I was losing sight of the fact that it was even an individual. It didn’t really matter who I was talking to, because at some level I wasn’t even really talking to that person as a person. I was just letting loose in the space of words, where I feel most comfortable and at home.

I know this sounds like really basic stuff. I didn’t realize how ready I was to believe that defense/attack was required. I grew up largely distrustful of the world around me. I’m an introvert, and often socially uncomfortable in group situations, and there is a habitual feeling that I need to perform and be amusing so that people might not automatically just hate me. Most people who know me think I’m extroverted. I’m not. A nervous laugh, now toned down but still present, developed as a “please don’t hurt me” strategy when I was still very young. Giving anyone a chance to know very much about me, such that we could authentically become friends, or not, is challenging to me. I have a lot of masks, and I love to try them on. When someone actually gets through to me enough that they are able to offend, upset or hurt me, the second layer is that I’m ready to pounce. Like… immediately.

I’ve found a few real friends who model something different in the way they treat me. Because of this, I have realized how unfair it is to people I care about to have this attack mode as the default response when I feel attacked or hurt or upset by their behavior. There are other ways to respond, after all. A simple naming of how it looks to me, such as I would do in a less charged situation, is a far better option, and asking questions to try to understand what’s going on is usually very helpful. If I’m in a better space with myself, I can navigate through all kinds of difficult terrain, but there has to be a basic layer of trust, and I have to do better with remembering my caring toward the other even when I’m feeling disappointed or betrayed.

My reasons for becoming and staying friends with people has sometimes been far too mysterious; there have been too many circumstantial, historical friendships that I felt compelled to maintain long after their times were past. People with whom I really had very little in common other than similar experience of some kind, people who didn’t actually wish to see me thrive, people who demonized me because of political misinformation (or general misunderstanding), people who were attracted to interactions with me, but for reasons that seemed problematic – all of these were like healing projects for me. In some cases, I would feel a strange repulsion/attraction thing going on, and I would try to gradually erase the repulsion side, seeing it more as a problem with me (my critical side has fairly high standards sometimes) than the other person. After all, you create what there is in the “between.” I would know that something was wrong, something was off – maybe even something pathological – but couldn’t articulate to myself what it was. I would spend time and energy assessing, and then trying to “fix” whatever it was – a very Western view of relational ethics, but I’ve never really been that great at acceptance of all that is. Like the angel of history, I wanted to go back and repair the things that had been broken. I kept thinking that “the cosmos” (insert your belief language here) was trying to teach me a lesson. Maybe it was, but it wasn’t the lesson I thought.

Even radical acceptance of the other has to include the boundaries of self-love; you can accept them as they are, and still gauge the best distance at which to keep yourself. I fear I’m never going be able to offer unconditional love to very many people in my life, much less all humanity. Maybe this is a kind of giving up on that, too. The best I can do, and that only sometimes, is to feel genuine sadness about what I’m observing.

In the last year, really only the last year, I have learned how to allow myself to say “there are some major things about this person that I neither like nor respect, and all the positives that are there are not enough to outweigh this fact.” I don’t need to engage in the push me/pull you game, which always felt vaguely dangerous anyway. I can simply walk away, knowing that it’s too destructive or toxic for me, and maybe I don’t even need to know the reasons why.

I have hesitated to allow myself the power of real choice in this matter. Even after things that were fairly egregious, I would try to talk things through, get back to a good place. You don’t abandon your friends, right?

Now I can ask the essential questions of qualification, and still remain true to my ideals about friendship: “Are we actually friends, and if so, on what basis? Of what value is this?” I’m resolved to trust not only the available data, but also my own instincts. If I sense that this person really doesn’t actually like me or get me in any significant ways, seems threatened in some way by my existence, has some kind of agenda, or is really, truly (as Carlin pointed out), stupid, full of shit, nuts – or all three, then I have to trust myself enough to just step back (or back away slowly if needed). If I can formulate any questions to ask, I can do that, but it’s really not required – not if the instincts are strong and I can’t answer the friendship qualification questions affirmatively. I have always been so concerned that maybe I was just being paranoid or overly suspicious because of hard-wired or environmental influences that I sometimes overcompensated and stopped listening to myself. If I get too repeated flashing warning lights, I need to listen, and act accordingly. There is no ethical obligation to befriend anyone.

I value real and meaningful friendships, and you can’t force that. When I disagree with and argue with real friends, as I sometimes do, I’m at least as concerned about where they are as where I am, and the issues are (mostly, I hope) just the ones before us and not piled high and deep with unrelated dynamics.

There are all kinds of friendships. I also value friendships with a light touch, where there is enough common ground that we have fun and we don’t really need to know each other very fully to enjoy each other’s company and conversation. After all, how many true, deep friends has anyone got? Some overlapping interests and compatibilities will work just fine for socializing, communicating, and learning. It’s also part of the natural flow of things for friends to appear and fade through the different times and spaces of your life. It could even be that there’s nothing particularly wrong, but it’s just not a friendship I’m interested in cultivating anymore. No big deal. As one friend I’m very fond of says, “Whatevers.”

While it is true that even asshats can teach you lessons about relationships and boundaries and personal insights, it’s impossible to completely avoid them anyway, and there is no real reason to let them get close enough to be destructive or to drive you crazy. You can’t fix other people. What you can do is be as authentic as you can with the people you truly like and respect, and the effects of that are mutually beneficial.

Of course, I hold in reserve the smackdown ability for when it’s truly useful and needed, but I could and should channel more of that impulse into something more creative. That sort of thing has not only been a blind spot for me, but it’s also been so energy-wasting and disturbing in my life, now that I look back on it. I have a growing sense of the limitations of the time remaining. Another thing that has objectively changed this year is that our son is taller than me, and I wasn’t a young’un when I delivered him. I need to focus on more of the good parts of life.

Next year, it would be really lovely if I could report that I’ve found a lot more energy for everything I want to do, I’ve lost ten-fifteen more pounds, I can hit E above C again, I don’t even crave a cigarette, my novel is selling like hotcakes, my student loans have been paid off as a token gesture against my lottery winnings, and I’m living on the most beautiful island you’ve ever seen. This is in rough order of probability. I’m putting it all out there in case there’s anything to that set of beliefs around focused intention – from dumping it onto the gods/goddesses to lining up with the mild (or strident) forms of the “power of positive thinking.” I welcome gifts from the benevolents, as always, and I’m totally grateful, but you could maybe tone it down a little on the pranks this year (just a sweet suggestion, especially if you’re hankering for more sage and lavender this summer).

Maybe next year, a few more things will be better than they were before, and the changes might even be in a completely different register – all part of the lifelong journey for curious seekers.

Be well. Be strong. Be kind. Laugh every day. You can dance if you want to. If you need some perspective, revisit the wonder of the starry skies above.

“Stars” by The Weepies

Tangerines are hanging heavy, glowing marigolden hues
Teasing a half-pale moon
And I feel a pull to the blue-velvet dark and stars.
Stars. Stars.

Pink Magnolia, blushing and coy
Savors the sun while she shines
You’ve got yours and I’ve got mine
Together we glide through the blue-velvet dark and stars.
Stars. Stars.

All it takes is a little faith, and a lot of heart
Back and forth we ply these oars
They move in time and get entwined
Green with joy then gray with sorrow
Ripened fruit that falls tomorrow
Filling us with brilliance

Branches are bare with a pulse underneath
Flowering slowly inside
Your hands are warm and my body is wide
To hold all the promise of blue-velvet dark and stars

All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart
Sweetheart