Browsed by
Category: VirusHead

Kicking the Habit

Kicking the Habit

Comments 7 comments

Still sick, coughing, shivering, sweating, miserable. One good thing has come out of this, though. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and there’s one thing I know I can (and should) do to make things better.

I am quitting my terrible smoking habit.

Potential embarrassment and shame about failure will be a further incentive, so I’m announcing here there and everywhere.

I’ve got a quit date – next Wednesday April 15th. I took my first Chantix pill last night. and it takes about a week to kick in – and my birthday isn’t a bad day to quit. I (really, desperately) hope it helps me get through the initial stages of withdrawal.

I’ve got a list of various warning signs, and another list of helpful tips – and I’m trying to adjust my psychology between now and then. I’m not going to do any nicotine replacement, because for me that would just prolong the misery.

I’ve been thinking seriously about quitting for a while now, but I just haven’t had the will. Everything came together this time, and it feels like a good time to do it.

I want to feel better, have more energy, and get that smell off of me. I want to get my father’s flat hopeless look out of my eyes. I want to be free of this addiction.

I’m also sick of the snarky comments, and the increasing class distinction – although to be honest, that’s just one more stupid reason that I’ve kept smoking, in defiance and rebellion. Well, gotta transcend that too.

John seems a bit apprehensive, as well he should be. The last time I tried this, it didn’t go very well. I know he really wants me to quit, though, and he’ll be very happy to see me do it – once it’s done.

My posts for a bit may just chronicle this particular journey. Maybe it won’t be a big deal. Maybe I’ll be a little crazy. I’m not sure. Even if things are a bit unstable for a couple of weeks, it will be worth it to get to the other side. I’ve got a lot of support for this, and I hope that my family, friends and co-workers will cut me a little slack if I act a little bit uncharacteristically here and there. I’m a little worried about that aspect of things; it’s one of the reasons I’ve put this off. Ideally, I would be shuttled off to some cabin miles from anywhere for the first two weeks, but that’s never going to happen – and waiting for the perfect opportunity to quit has meant that I haven’t quit. There’s never going to be the perfect time.

By Ben’s birthday – one month after mine – he’ll have a totally smoke-free and recovered Mommy wishing him a happy birthday, and she won’t have a lighter handy for the nine candles on his cake.

There is one thing that I truly enjoy about smoking. The controlled breathing of smoke in and out of me always made me feel a bit like a dragon, the keeper of the flame, the mistress of the wind. I’ll miss that more than anything else.

Blank

Blank

Comments 4 comments

My posts have been less frequent and less original. I’m slipping.

So here I am, thinking about a great train of thought to share. I’m getting a blank. Nada.

I don’t know what to make of the economy except for an unsubstantiated intuition that this is going to be a difficult couple of years regardless of what is done to try to stabilize the situation. That doesn’t really help anyone.

I’m suddenly profoundly uninterested in what should be the media’s very comment-worthy playacting and the simply ridiculous hypocrisy of certain unnamed politicians.

I haven’t had any profound spiritual/creative insights this weekend.

I’ve been playing around on FaceBook too much lately.

I bought two toilets this morning, and I could tell you all about the 2-hour conversation at Home Depot about relative flushing efficiency and amounts of water and the average mass of …. but really, why?

I did some laundry. Yeah. So?

It seems like my thoughts lately revolve around unresolvable issues, so that’s kind of an exercise in futility all by itself. Why rehearse it here?

I did enjoy the full moon. Looked at it for a long time, here and there over the evening.

Fun stuff was all of a social nature:
Veggie Indian dinner with friends.
A co-worker’s birthday lunch.
Neighbor visit – lively conversation and a couple of beers.
Some good conversations on the phone.

My performance review at work was kind of interesting. It was my first one (ever), and I think I did pretty well. There was some unexpected recognition, and even some useful actionables for development.

I couldn’t find a red pen.

I did find a cheat for Nintendo DS.

I committed to sending six odd gifts over the next year.

I’ve not yet called my mom and gramma for the Sunday conversation.

So…. um…. yeah. Not much of a post-worthy nature.

This post isn’t even about nothing, which would be interesting in its exploration of nothingness.

No, this one is just a blank.

Maybe I should take advantage of it and see if I can get into a zone, you know – just kind of staring into the middle distance.

25 Random Meme Hits the Press

25 Random Meme Hits the Press

Comments 2 comments

The highly successful Facebook meme “25 Random Things about Me” has now – for good or ill – made it into the major news media. Time, Salon, and newspapers like the New York Times and the Boston Globe have all carried stories on the trendy epidemic and how it’s vectored.

It’s only a variation of the memes bloggers have been playing with for more than five years now, but considering the viral theme I think it’s kinda neat that I’m third on Google.

25 Random Things about Me - Virushead
25 Random Things about Me - Virushead
Speaking at SemTech

Speaking at SemTech

Comments 2 comments

I’ll be speaking at the Semantic Technology Conference in San Jose at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, June 17, 2009!

I'm Speaking at SemTech 2009

Messy Folksonomies: The Uses of Metanoise for Better Organizational Collaboration

This presentation will consider the uses of bottom-up, co-evolving folksonomies for better communication and collaboration across disciplinary lines.

For reasons of efficiency, semantic technologies often focus on terminological control. However, where several types of discourse exist within the same organization, a layer of bottom-up vocabulary provides a space for the change and difference that is always part of language. Language, like life, thrives on the border between order and chaos, and even the noisiest and most undifferentiated meta labels can serve a function.

Update 2-18: Actually, it looks like I’m not actually speaking after all. My proposal was accepted by the conference, but my support funding didn’t come through. Oh, well. Maybe next year.

Feedback from a Former Jehovah’s Witness

Feedback from a Former Jehovah’s Witness

Comments 4 comments

This is the kind of feedback that makes it all worthwhile. Thank you for responding, and best wishes to you on your journey!

Until recently, I was just an ex-JW. But now I’m really trying to become a recovering JW. I realized that as soon as I was df’d, I just threw myself into a frenzy of activities and poor choices, with no real direction. I think I was trying to stay busy so I’d forget about it all. But about a month ago, it all came crashing down, and for the first time, I have time to think about the effect it’s had on me. I made a firm decision to get better and stop hurting myself, but I wasn’t sure where to begin. I started meditating on it and talking to some friends about the matter, but of course, no-one that hasn’t been in the situation seems to be able to wrap their head around the idea – much less empathize. I got more frustrated and started scouring the internet for some kindred souls…

The conclusion I came to is this: 90% of ex-JWs are either not trying to move on with their lives, or doing it in a very unhealthy way. I’m sick and tired of hopping from page to page on the web and reading rants and raves of individuals df’d 30 years ago – still b*tching about elder so-and-so like it was yesterday. I’m sick of all the postings that positively ooze bitterness and hard feelings. Even worse, I’m becoming painfully frustrated at all of the “reformed” christians that frequently seem to spawn out of ex’s. It seems like everybody is screaming to jump on the bash-the-JW’s bandwagon – but only as part of an aggressive marketing strategy for their new church. For example, my non-JW grandmother introduced me to a friend that was df’d many years ago, in the hopes that this person would be able to encourage me. But this person really does not care at all about me. All I hear about is how I should attend this person’s church and that jesus will magically take away all the pain! I’m really tired of being alienated even from the people I should have so much in common with.

I’m young, totally over religion for now, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I know I have problems and I think it would help immensely to find people who have the correct, and healthy view on being an ex jw. I have a few basic beliefs about growing up as a jw that I’m trying to stick to right now:

  1. That it’s a traumatic and damaging way to grow up, and even more painful to deal with once you break free from it.
  2. That being an ex-jw is like being the child of alcoholic/abusive parents – it causes problems throughout life that will need to be identified and dealt with.
  3. That the damage caused by being an ex jw has absolutely nothing to do with an individual learning false doctrines, and therefore cannot be fixed simply by finding another church whose teachings you agree with. People get hurt by the practices, not the beliefs!!
  4. That there’s a balance to be found between learning from your experiences and dwelling on them. And it is absolutely worth it to recover and go on to live a happy life!

Tonight I read your blog “advice for recovering JW’s“, and I really think you’ve gotten the most out of your experience. It was so refreshing to finally discover that someone can reach out to other people that are hurting, without sounding like an enraged lunatic, or having alterior motives. The writing is logical, and hints at a wisdom and patience acquired from learning a lot of tough lessons. It helped me so much to finally identify my self destructive habits I’ve been carrying with me! You also made some great suggestions for channeling negative feelings into positive endeavors. Thank you so much for taking the time to share some of the things you’ve learned in this life with others! I only wish that every ex jw had your same determination to get better.

Any time you feel like sharing more helpful advice please do so. Thanks to a very wise friend, and your blog, I now have an idea of what I need to do to stop destroying all the good things in my life. Now I just need people to be there for support. If what I said in this email makes sense, please don’t hesitate to write back and share some of your experiences with me. I feel like I’m about to begin a long journey; and it sure would be nice to get tips from someone who’s already well on their way. Thanks again-I will definitely be checking out the rest of virushead in the near future. 🙂