Laughter, as the Reader’s Digest always said, is good medicine.
I’ve really been enjoying some of Maria Bamford’s comedy. Her routines on her sister and dad never fail to crack me up.
So I’m really savoring the synchronicity today as I came across this bit of hers on cults.
Here’s the email. It’s a very good bit of humor. See the comments at the bottom for status.
After every flight, Qantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” (or “squawk sheet”) which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
(thanks Bev!)
According to Snopes,
the inclusion of military terminology (e.g., IFF, target radar) pegs this as a list more likely derived from an air force source than a commercial airline, and the mention of propellers eliminates the notion that these items all reference one particular type of modern jet aircraft. It’s possible this list is now an amalgam of entries collected from a variety of sources, a mixture of both real and bogus items, or nothing but a bit of creative humor.
Earlier versions of this list included the following items:
Defect: The autopilot doesn’t.
Action: IT DOES NOW.Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.Defect: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Political comedy email making the rounds…
“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”
“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”
“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”
“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”
“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”
“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”
“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”
“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”
“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”
“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific
research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”
“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”
“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the
virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”
“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”
“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”
“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”
“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”
“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”
“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”
(Thanks Corinne!)
“You were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren’t even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That’s like going to the Olive Garden and saying you’ve been to Italy.â€
— Jon Stewart,
On Bush limiting his Iraq visit to Baghdad’s Green Zone,
Jun. 15, 2006
“That’s his privilege as Vice President. He was tough, demanding, and when he thought I was out of line, he snapped my garters.â€
— Colin Powell,
In an interview with AARP magazine, when asked about his advice being ignored by the White House,
Jun. 13, 2006
“Whenever …I see the weapon I invented to defend my motherland in the hands of these bin Ladens I ask myself the same question: How did it get into their hands?â€
— Mikhail Kalashnikov,
Russian gun maker who designed the AK-47,
Jun. 12, 2006
“A good PR move to draw attention.â€
— Colleen Graffy
US Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy, describing the weekend suicides of three detainees at Guantanamo,
Jun. 12, 2006
Robert Newman History of Oil
This is wonderful history via comedy. A Brit named Rob Newman elucidates the history of oil. Enjoy this historical comedy/commentary.
Robert Newman gets to grips with the wars and politics of the last hundred years – but rather than adhering to the history we were fed at school, the places oil centre stage as the cause of all commotion. This innovative history programme is based around Robert Newman’s stand-up act and supported by resourceful archive sequences and stills with satirical impersonations of historical figures from Mayan priests to Archduke Ferdinand.
I’ve been waiting a bit to comment on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. There are a lot of opinions out there, and I’m happy most of all that people are talking and writing and thinking about issues, humor and satire vs. criticism and insult, comedy as news, the role of a court jester, and so on.
Steve Bridges did a great imitation of Bush, and was obviously Bush’s own choice (for his own roast, he gets to choose?). I’ve heard that Bridges can do Clinton just as well. That was the light side of the dinner, although there were a couple of low-grade zings in that one, too.
But I have to say that I think Colbert’s performance was the more important. I did actually think much of it was funny, in the traditional way of a roast. As it went on, he transitioned through court jester, and went all the way to performative critique. The film clip of Colbert pretending to be the White House Spokesman forced the viewer to dwell in a fairly unpleasant space – it even made me a little anxious because of the genre of suspense, the music, the way it was drawn out. It was meant to make people squirm. It worked for that, but I could almost hear the pulse of a pounding vein in Bush’s own head by the end of it.
The video wasn’t funny – but it was performative, dramatic, and scathing in its depiction, and that was even better. Scott McClellan probably had the most right to feel attacked…. wasn’t that pretty much a depiction of him?
It focused on a single question, finally: Why did we really go to war in Iraq?
Helen Thomas herself – I swear I saw her wipe a tear. I was glad to see someone stand up for her, and for the questions she’s not been allowed to ask anymore despite her long history as the media hardnose to the President. And I was glad to see someone stand up for us, we who are being fed a bunch of hogwash propaganda day and night, straight from the White House to Fox News, etc.
Anyone who has watched the Daily Show or the Colbert Report would know what his humor was like. Remember, he was invited.
I fully expected Colbert to pull a Family von Trapp while the film clip was playing, but to my shock and admiration, he was still standing there at the end.
Stephen Colbert Musical Extravaganza
Yes, I approve.
Why? Because I’m angry at his administration – Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, et. al. – as well as its bullied, corrupt, or spineless members of Congress, the controlled or cowardly media, and the American people themselves – who have allowed our country to be twisted and trampled into something it should never be. If we continue on this path, our future is dismal.
William Rivers Pitt puts it pithily (when angry, spitting and sputtering are common) – Why the anger?
Because millions of people are staggered by the idea that, yes Virginia, we have to go through this again. We have to watch soldiers slaughter and be slaughtered for reasons that bear no markings of truth. We have to watch the reputation of this great nation be savaged. We have to watch as our leaders lie to us with their bare faces hanging out.
Why the anger? It can be summed up in one run-on sentence: We have lost two towers in New York, a part of the Pentagon, an important American city called New Orleans, our economic solvency, our global reputation, our moral authority, our children’s future, we have lost tens of thousands of American soldiers to death and grievous injury, we must endure the Abramoffs and the Cunninghams and the Libbys and the whores and the bribes and the utter corruption, we must contemplate the staggering depth of the hole we have been hurled down into, and we expect little to no help from the mainstream DC press, whose lazy go-along-to-get-along cocktail-circuit mentality allowed so much of this to happen because they failed comprehensively to do their job.
George W. Bush and his pals used September 11th against the American people, used perhaps the most horrific day in our collective history, deliberately and with intent, to foster a war of choice that has killed untold tens of thousands of human beings and basically bankrupted our country. They lied about the threat posed by Iraq. They destroyed the career of a CIA agent who was tasked to keep an eye on Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and did so to exact petty political revenge against a critic. They tortured people, and spied on American civilians.
You cannot fathom anger arising from this?
There is at least a small amount of comfort in knowing that that the President had to hear, at least once, a few of the reasons why those approval figures are so low.