Browsed by
Tag: FEMA

White House Switchboard

White House Switchboard

Comments 3 comments

Political comedy email making the rounds…

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific
research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the
virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

(Thanks Corinne!)

Satire and Anger

Satire and Anger

Comments 1 comment

The satirists are at work already. The court jesters tell truth to King George.

Responding to Hurricane Katrina: President’s Remarks Announcing Extremely Belated Launch of “Operation Bureaucratic Clusterf**k” – whitehouse.org

In The Wake Of Hurricane Katrina, George W. Bush Addresses Trent Lotts Loss – Unconfirmed Sources

President Bush To Survey New Orleans Destruction Using Google Earth – The Daily Farce

Bush Missing 404 error – Mad Kane

Bush Offers New Orleans Back to the French – Soup Yet

Hurricane Bin Laden to Invade New Orleans – Twisted Straight

Even while I seek out my most reliable remedy – humor usually puts my sadness and anger in a different, more manageable, context – it is clear that it won’t work this time. I believe that when people lose their sense of humor they have also lost their sense of perspective and their humanity – they are the fanatics, the terrorists, the hard cruel ones. But this time I find myself too angry and too heartbroken and too ashamed for this country to be able to recontextualize at all. There is no other frame. Torture, loss of civil rights, the invasion of Iraq, greed, acquisition of the electoral process – and so on and so on – all these were slo-mo catastrophes. Willingly blinded people did not believe what they did not want to believe. This time, it’s in your face. Watch reporters shout back, rant and rail, even cry – see those photos, hear what people there are saying, and then try to tell me about “compassionate conservatives.” Wake UP.

What I noticed today was that the word “FINALLY” appeared at the top of the front page for most newspapers in the country. FINALLY help arriving. Finally.

Colbert King at the Washington Post has an article called “A Time for Action, Not Outrage.” Well, I think it’s time for both action and outrage, although plain old rage is working just fine for me. Why did Bush want a high flyover and a couple of contrived photo ops? Is he still more concerned about oil interests in the area than he is about the people there?

These are real quotations.

"I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." –President Bush, on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005
— Oh yes they did, and the levees broke right where the repairs should have been done already. Everybody expected the breach – that’s why there was an evacuation order. The Bush administration and our representatives just didn’t think it was a priority. They should have helped people get out of there.

“I have not heard a report of thousands of people in the convention center who don’t have food and water.” Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on NPR’s "All Things Considered," Sept. 1, 2005
— “Have not heard a report” – on Sept 1? This guy is in charge of Homeland Security. He is supposed to be the one coordinating the efforts of other agencies. They couldn’t even discover what was on the news. They couldn’t even put a couple people on the ground with bullhorns, or drop in some water. Their idea of security was to lock people in at the bridges.

“We just learned of the convention center – we being the federal government – today." –FEMA Director Michael Brown, to ABC’s Ted Koppel, Sept. 1, 2005 – to which Koppel responded " Don’t you guys watch television? Don’t you guys listen to the radio? Our reporters have been reporting on it for more than just today.
— Brown is in charge of FEMA, which used to be pretty well-prepared before Bush started making us more prepared.

"Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job." –President Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, while touring Hurricane-ravaged Mississippi, Sept. 2, 2005
— Guess who put “Brownie” in charge?

"You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals…many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold." –CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans’ hurricane refugees, Sept. 1, 2005
— So black? That’s a new one. I wonder which questions that Blitzer has in mind.

"We’ve got a lot of rebuilding to do … The good news is — and it’s hard for some to see it now — that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott’s house — he’s lost his entire house — there’s going to be a fantastic house. And I’m looking forward to sitting on the porch." (Laughter) —President Bush, touring hurricane damage, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005
— Yeah, it’s real funny. Let’s just make sure Lott’s house is okey-dokey. Why not just let Bush walk around New Orleans and “talk to the people”? I’m sure that he would become educated right quick.

"…for the last four days, I’ve been seeing dead bodies in the streets here in Mississippi. And to listen to politicians thanking each other and complimenting each other, you know, I got to tell you, there are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated. And when they hear politicians slap – you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now, because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by rats because this woman had been laying in the street for 48 hours. And there’s not enough facilities to take her up. Do you get the anger that is out here?" Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Aug. 31, 2005
— I get it Mary, and thank you for having a spine. Please start talking to your colleagues. Perhaps some field trips are in order.

Open letter to Bill Clinton

Open letter to Bill Clinton

Comments 0 Comment

Dear President Clinton,

I have always respected you, but I am disappointed with you today. Please stop ministering to King George. This country needs you in a completely different way. You can still be a leader. By the way, this buddying up isn’t helping Hillary’s chances for a presidential run, believe me. You can’t be all things to all people, and it’s time for our leaders to start showing some spine.

This administration has undone all the good you did – how can you be so complicit and supportive? Jimmy Carter is diplomatic about it, but it’s clear that he is opposed to what this administration has been doing. Where is our guy? Where is the guy who feels our pain?

What is happening in New Orleans and other places should be a wakeup call, no – a wakeup alarm. It’s past the point of a “call.” I saw a black woman on the news pointing to the corpse of a white man, saying “See? He’s white! It’s not all black people dying – please help us.” I saw triage. I saw overwhelmed nurses and doctors working in the dark. I saw officers walk past hundreds of Americans to get some diplomat’s relative out first. The news is starting to actually do a bit a real reporting for a change, but our administration is chillingly unempathetic and distant.

Couldn’t we have dropped supplies and water from the air? Isn’t anyone going to mention that FEMA has been dismantled by this administration, and competent people everywhere replaced by yes-men? How about the cuts to our domestic security? Our domestic protectors, the national guard has 30% of their men and women from that area overseas -not to mention 50% of their equipment. How is it that funding for New Orleans – a security concern that was indeed foreseen – was cut so much, while the porkish highway bill included $231 million for a bridge to an small uninhabited Alaskan island? Why is there more concern about people stealing supplies to save their lives than on getting them out of there? What has been planned for the risk of disease? How do they plan to restore the wetlands, the marshes and swamps that act as natural water barriers? You have not addressed any of this as you stand there in the “Bushes.”

However, if you do intend to go around with a stricken-looking senior Bush to raise money on the “Katrina” tour, why not start with what money Halliburton is planning to give back to us? Why not ask the corporations, whose infinite grasping greed controls many of our policities, for some of our stolen money back? I’m sure it’s deductible.

Disaster, and more to come.

Disaster, and more to come.

Comments 2 comments

My heart goes out to all of the people who have lost so much. It’s not just New Orleans. In addition to Louisiana, the states of Florida, Alabama, and Mississippi were all hit by the hurricane. We got nasty storms and tornados even here in Georgia.

Hang tight, grab a hand, take what comfort that you can.

This is one of the most catastrophic natural disasters in our history. I can’t think of what else might compare with it. Please, everyone, stay calm so that we don’t all contribute to the emerging consequences and fallout of the disaster. Don’t become hysterical. Conserve energy, do what you can to help – and report fuel price gouging.

You’re already aware of the resources for you to donate to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina and the surrounding storms and tornados. Please donate what you can. It looks to me as though the Red Cross and the Salvation Army were among the very first responders – that’s where I’m sending my contributions.

Unfortunately, I believe that we are headed for more tragedy. It doesn’t really seem as though the reality has sunk in yet. Things are going to get even worse.

We will have to provide for our people, who will continue to need water, food, care, and somewhere to live. It’s strange to think of refugees in America, but that’s the situation.

Contaminated water, lack of sanitation, death and heat. This is a bad combination. We have a strong potential for epidemics here. Hospitals are unprepared for multiple cases of E.coli, hepatitus, cholera, typhoid, leptospirosis, or anything vectored by mosquitos – malaria, dengue fever, west nile – and so on. We could see disease and spread, resulting in even more deaths.

The water itself is already toxic and getting more so. I shudder to see the news, showing people walking around in it. Get out of that water if you can.

There is no excuse for rampant looting, or – could this be true? – people shooting at the rescue heliopters. FEMA rescue boats have stopped operations because of the multiple hazards. But doesn’t it seem that they are putting more emphasis on punishing looters than on helping people survive? And why would Bush order the shooting of non-violent looters who are looking only for supplies to save lives?

We’re already seeing oil refining and distribution problems, price gouging, looting, panic. It’s a little hysterical here in Atlanta.

I’m not going to blame Bush for the hurricane, so don’t get your dander up. Still, there are some things to keep in mind here about priorities and the distribution of resources. They will have to be realigned now because we really are in the midst of an emergency.

1. Bush ignored FEMA’s warning in 2001. The Federal Emergency Management Agency warned in 2001 that the three likeliest and most catastrophic disasters facing this country were flooding in New Orleans, a massive earthquake in San Francisco, and a terrorist attack on New York City. Well, 2 out of 3 have now happened, but he still won’t listen.

2. Bush’s policies resulted in the gradual, then drastic slashing of flood protection projects in New Orleans. Maybe if the projects had been funded and finished the hurricane wouldn’t have been able to create so much damage. Maybe they would. I don’t know – I’m not an engineer, and New Orleans has been in trouble for a long time. Still, the priorities are wrong, wrong, and wrong. We’re spending $186 million a day in Iraq.

3. Our national guard in Louisiana? “Assets,” as Bush likes to say these days, were dragged off their prime directive – domestic protection – into Iraq. A lot of equipment went with them. Louisiana and New York are the two states with the highest number of guard and reserve deaths, almost all of them within the last 9 months. States with wildfires are also missing their national guard (and helicopters) – and of course our borders are less protected with so many of our domestic forces overseas. Although it appears as though we have enough people to do the essential work needed in New Orleans, Biloxi and other affected areas, it’s not right that members of the national guard are doing overseas duty.

4. Possible – just possible – effects of global warming, climate change, or whatever your favorite ideologue is using this week. Katrina would have come anyway – it’s part of a natural cycle. However, hurricanes are expected to get worse and worse and Bush will not listen to the science.
Bush doesn’t let anything interfere with profits. A typical dry alcoholic, he just can’t take in anything that might disrupt his worldview – no matter who is hurt by it. In this case, higher sea surface temperatures have been expected to add more and more energy of hurricanes. The loss of wetlands (or as I call it, swamp) around New Orleans also contributed to the problem.

Bush knew the potential of this thing as the hurricane was approaching. He should have been right there being a leader, urging people to evacuation, and helping the state to help the ones that had no-where to go and no money to leave. The hardest hit people from New Orleans to Biloxi were the poor. Between his perpetual war and his tax cuts to the rich, things like disaster preparedness took a back seat. War profiteering and manipulating with fear has been bad enough – if I start seeing profit from disaster… well, let’s not go there. Until yesterday, Bush’s public statements still centered on Iraq. He finally stepped up and made some gestures toward leadership yesterday – but his words sounded hollow to my ears.

America’s leaders, ultimately, are the people. Let’s rise to the occasion. We all need a little shove from the best of what is in us, not the worst. Our “leaders” will have to learn to follow our lead – they are having trouble understanding that in this country, they need to have all our interests at heart.

Let’s show the world the good side of America – the America that cares. Stay calm, help each other out, do what needs to be done.