VirusHead

I’ve got a little bit more information about my friend Nicolette’s death.

You might have been able to tell from my post – even in my frenzied grief – that I was very much afraid that her death was a suicide. I knew her very well, knew what she had been trying to navigate, knew what she had to look forward to, and … frankly, it made sense in a lot of ways.

But our friend Prema pointed out that it was just so hard to believe that she wouldn’t at least have made provision for her animals… and I kept thinking that I just could not imagine her not having a final speech, note, or something.

I have since heard from her ex’s sister that the coroner thinks that Nicolette had an aneurysm and hit her head when she fell. She lived alone, and no-one would have known anything was wrong right away. If she had a concussion too, she wouldn’t have been conscious. If the aneurysm led to a stroke, she might have died quickly. I hope that one or more of her animals snuggled nearby. I hope that she wasn’t conscious. I hope she wasn’t scared.

I don’t know any more than that. Maybe she could have been saved with immediate treatment. Maybe that would have been worse. Who knows?

This new information opens up an entirely different set of concerns if this is how she died. After all, we’re the same age.

I am still very sad that I didn’t talk with her more often in the last few weeks, but it’s a different kind of regret. It is really incredibly selfish of me to feel any relief at all, but I have to admit that if suicide were ruled out it would be a better thing for my own psychology.

I would also be relieved in another way to know for sure that she didn’t simply give up and kill herself. She’s fought so long and so hard, and in so many ways that some didn’t know or really understand. It means a lot to me to be able to remember that about her.