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Negativity Storm not to be taken seriously

Negativity Storm not to be taken seriously

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And this is why I won’t be taking Chantix again…

The combination of nicotine withdrawal, chantix prescription medication, and the increased attention I’m spending to my own state of consciousness is all creating very strange thought-storms. I know that all of this will pass, and I know not to believe any of it or even to take it that seriously. This is where training in observing your own thoughts and emotions is very helpful.

Yes – I’m bracketing for my own protection, but there is no reason to spiral down as though any of this were real.

I know, I’ll miss that. A lot.

Then the voice is MY voice. I can’t reproduce the entire chant that got me home, but I fell into a sing-song negative rant. I tried to let the thoughts be spoken to help release them. Here’s a little sampling of what I remember – it was a constant stream…

(reee-me-owwwww, morphing into a deep double-sound chant, then) yah yah yah, nee nee, LAAAAAAA!

You don’t even know a thing
You don’t even know
ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING
IDIOT
NAH nah nah nah nah
Cuz I’m a girl, ain’t it
Blue collar RISING
SICK of it

SICK of HATE HATE HATE HATE
Sanctimonious self-righteous corrupt asshats!
Wadda ya think you’re gonna do about it?
YEAH, just be the crank, just be the crank

I shall wear purple? PURPLE?
Like royalty, like PRINCE?

What does it matter?
What’s the damn point?
Why do I even waste my time?
I don’t have the energy.
So tired, can’t do anything.

DO DO DO DO – la – DO DO DO
You are such a stupid little shithead
No imagination at all –
Dumb suburban undisciplined scatterbrain
Dumb dumb dumb dah dah dah dah DUMB

All that money wasted
All that reading just to be alienated
All that curiosity just to be faced with

COWS COWS COWS COWS
SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP
PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS

Yeah, yeah, FEM FEM FEM FEM
fem fem fem fem
fem fem fem fem FEM FEM fem fem

Everything’s a mess
People don’t really like me
I can’t keep my house clean
I have so much to do

I’m so TALENTED –
I’m so INTELLIGENT –
I’m such a waste of air.
WHY do I try?

I could give up like a ZEN MASTER
and back away and escape SUFFERING
and bathe in LOVE LOVE LOVE

But I hate those indoor voices
TOO DAMN soft! FAKE! FAKE!
Compassion! Yeah – TRYING! TRYING! TRYING ALREADY-YA!

Turn down the critic!
Turn down the intellectual!
You’re PUTTING US OFF…

OK – NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE
Then I can be WRITTEN OFF
Underestimated, then I’m
PERKY!
NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE

OH “YOUR” so SWEET!
I’m NOT SWEET!
I’m an ALIEN! A LEGAL Alien!

WEIRDO, different species.

Must be me.
Must be MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So yeah, it took about 45 minutes to get home. It had been a trying day. The tears that followed restabilized me, and then I waved my arms up vaguely toward the clouds, as though some God(esses) would shoulder my dark side for me.

Still – the benevolent deities did do a nice thing. My son had lost his key in the bushes, leading to a series of issues and problems – but I got out of the car, walked over to the general area and walked right to the key and picked it up.

Key. Got it.

I’m not the stoic kind. I’m checking in with people I trust as an early warning system in case things need to be adjusted and I can’t see it. My mind is going places without me – but this too will pass.

Kicking the Habit

Kicking the Habit

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Still sick, coughing, shivering, sweating, miserable. One good thing has come out of this, though. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and there’s one thing I know I can (and should) do to make things better.

I am quitting my terrible smoking habit.

Potential embarrassment and shame about failure will be a further incentive, so I’m announcing here there and everywhere.

I’ve got a quit date – next Wednesday April 15th. I took my first Chantix pill last night. and it takes about a week to kick in – and my birthday isn’t a bad day to quit. I (really, desperately) hope it helps me get through the initial stages of withdrawal.

I’ve got a list of various warning signs, and another list of helpful tips – and I’m trying to adjust my psychology between now and then. I’m not going to do any nicotine replacement, because for me that would just prolong the misery.

I’ve been thinking seriously about quitting for a while now, but I just haven’t had the will. Everything came together this time, and it feels like a good time to do it.

I want to feel better, have more energy, and get that smell off of me. I want to get my father’s flat hopeless look out of my eyes. I want to be free of this addiction.

I’m also sick of the snarky comments, and the increasing class distinction – although to be honest, that’s just one more stupid reason that I’ve kept smoking, in defiance and rebellion. Well, gotta transcend that too.

John seems a bit apprehensive, as well he should be. The last time I tried this, it didn’t go very well. I know he really wants me to quit, though, and he’ll be very happy to see me do it – once it’s done.

My posts for a bit may just chronicle this particular journey. Maybe it won’t be a big deal. Maybe I’ll be a little crazy. I’m not sure. Even if things are a bit unstable for a couple of weeks, it will be worth it to get to the other side. I’ve got a lot of support for this, and I hope that my family, friends and co-workers will cut me a little slack if I act a little bit uncharacteristically here and there. I’m a little worried about that aspect of things; it’s one of the reasons I’ve put this off. Ideally, I would be shuttled off to some cabin miles from anywhere for the first two weeks, but that’s never going to happen – and waiting for the perfect opportunity to quit has meant that I haven’t quit. There’s never going to be the perfect time.

By Ben’s birthday – one month after mine – he’ll have a totally smoke-free and recovered Mommy wishing him a happy birthday, and she won’t have a lighter handy for the nine candles on his cake.

There is one thing that I truly enjoy about smoking. The controlled breathing of smoke in and out of me always made me feel a bit like a dragon, the keeper of the flame, the mistress of the wind. I’ll miss that more than anything else.